acid and the internet and such

June 2, 2026

blinks shyly.. Hiii.... Looks up at you with one big eye. OK yeah I did acid. Just once.. for the first time recently. I have a whole lot of shame around the fact that I do drugs, it's a weird sore spot seeing as I used to be the friend that'd secretly judge others for using, back when I was rigidly straightedge and my nervous system was just so fried from always being alert. I feel so so terrible upon seeing a friend and being able to tell they're not too enthused about the fact that I do drugs, even if it's just weed+alcohol and the once dose of acid. but yeah I did acid the other week.. it was crazy. unlike anything I could relay, it was honestly indescribable. I felt really vulnerable and unaware of what was going on.
but anyways. when I was tripping there was a moment specifically in which I took out my phone to text a good friend, and I remember being really surprised at my unphased ability to use my phone. I could type just fine and everything made sense, whereas not much else in real life did. in retrospect this is literally just normal but I remember feeling such a profound warmth towards The Internet. I told my friend that I was texting that a sparkledog lives in my veins and always will... I spent the vast majority of my childhood on the internet, so even if I kind of despise the internet and my addiction to it these days, when I got high I felt so much sympathy towards it, my old friend that was always there. seeing as I was honestly really fucking neglected as a kid it's no surprise that I felt this gratefulness towards something that raised me more than my parents did. I didn't have friends, I didn't go outside, I didn't fucking Do anything at all. I sat on my stained sheet-less mattress and looked at a glinting screen for years and years. I could feel my muscles atrophying from the immense lack of use and I still don't think I've really recovered from that honestly, it's humiliating my lack of strength. I'm really not exaggerating when I say I had no life for years, I didn't go to school, not even online. but in those years I still found loves. my youtube videos, my free drawing programs, my friends in wildly different timezones. on acid I could feel how much it all meant to me when normally I don't think about this all too much. I wanted to go back and watch my old favorite videos: the janky tweening of patterned cats drawn on FireAlpaca, the overly-pastel-filtered videos of 19 year old gay guys talking about coping mechanisms for anxiety and how their new album is coming along, shitty vent sketches that illegibly detailed self harm and abuse over an infinity crush song. these things I'd watch over&over&over&over, transfixed, and now I find them homely in my psyche. same goes with a few video games, songs.
it's kind of embarrassing that some of the things so core to me are literally just.. shitty media pieces that were never designed to be anything meaningful. I just spent so much time in my room, in my head. however, there's solace---beloved director jane schoenbrun seems to get it. I really appreciate how they represent the meaning of technology in trans lives. if it weren't for the leftist, welcoming internet spaces I found myself on during the viscous sludge of my childhood it would've taken so much longer for me to figure out and accept myself. the scene in isttvg where owen sticks their head in the tv was utterly terrifying and deeply moved me, yet when this scene is brought up I find my friends often don't get it or aren't as moved by it as I, which makes sense. Or they just interpret it differently which like also works just fine lol. I should rewatch we're all going to the world's fair...

well. yeah... the next time I smoked weed after I did acid I felt simiarly about all this but in a much different way. I was so confused and I was hallucinating(?? I knew it wasn't real but god I was Really Seeing Things so vivdily) all these things I hadn't thought of since I was so young. it honestly really fucked with me in a weirdbad way. I wish my therapist would email me back lmfaoo... there are so many things I'm desperate to talk about but I put up all these walls for myself. ugh I don't know. it's very difficult... I miss back home when everyone I met was also so fucked up that I never had to explain myself. growing up in such a shitty place kind of gives everyone this commonground of Yeah, we all have some similar shit going on. then I move to the city and meet all these people who never had to deal with the same brand of Hard Times growing up and holy shit is it lonely! when I was 17 I ran into my neighbor that I hadn't seen since we were 10 years old, when we talked about nothing other than barbie dolls and minecraft, and within minutes our conversation turned to self harm. no one flinched. we talked about it like the weather. and this was a completely new thing since we were 10, but it was just expected. I miss when people I knew like this were abundant. I never had to explain myself. I could casually bring up the worst thing that had happened to me and someone would have a similar story. we'd laugh and continue, it was never A Deal. I want to talk about things and be understood so, so badly. this is something I've begged for for years, and I think it's karma honestly lol. realistically I know that there are probably many more people I can relate to than I realize, but again, I make up so many rules and walls for myself. I don't want to talk about these things unless I'm certain that it will go well, but you can just never know if it will. sigh...... winky frown. ;(

My Fun Times Lately

April 30, 2026

Old dm music , Music in cambu+ceri car
Hiiiiie everyone... I've had a really good past few days. I met up with my old online friend Cambu ... I was just looking over our old DM's. we had been messaging since 2022 because she had posted a note that one of my favvv fav fav ever ppl wrote.. andBoy how excited I was to meet someone who shared this interest ! And to think today we were hanging out in real life . . talking about the same things . Friendship and fun are well just about the best things I can even think of. I am truly so overjoyed to have had this rare and wonderful experience ... The other day We went to the zoo together, and Oh I should mention her girlfriend was there too. She has lived in the same city as me all along! Which is why Cambu came to visit from states away. And now I have a new friend to regularly see.. Goodness how exciting. And anyways yes when we went to the zoo they had brought me this fancy matcha drink that was layered to look like grass and the sky.. what a kind gesture. Such kind and lovely people my my my. And then today we went to a thrift store and my favorite art supply store and a cat cafe. When Cambu dropped me off to say goodbye for real I ran back to the car and gave her one of my bracelets... I felt it was important to have physical proof of the time we spent together. A a aa a aa a I just feel so blessed. the stars really did align.
And yes I did other things too even this week.. All the more enjoyable. I am happiest when my days are filled, particularly with a variety of things and people. I was very happy to hear a friend wanted to rant to me earlier in the week and so I made plans to allow them to do so the following day. After zoo with cambu and gf(ceri) I got burgers with friend+other friend. rant ensued. felt closer,. Walked around a mall for like 30min before they closed and then target and dollar store How teenage! Was so fun . And to top it all off I have a fun epic sleepover planned with another friend on fridayy.. so excited 4 that. hoping to get wine drunk. and maybe even plans with yet aanother friend to go to a toy storeee!!!! Friiick. I love everything. AND I started a new job Thank Fuck because I need money Badly. its so good for me to have a job and stay busy. annnddd upcoming picnic and birthday party and another birthday in june Im so excited to put together gifts. Oh sheieeiiddt I have to send salem a card. Well thats just about it dear reader thanks for coming back Remember life is always good if you look for it . like daniel johnston said true love can only find you if you're looking .And love is everywherreee so ya .Xoxox bye

hello woorld!

April 24, 2026

my first website diary entry .. how thrilling :) I am not so sure of what I'm doing here. I mostly made this because of some encouragement from friends... but I am really enjoying html and css. who could've guessed the person who made 1,000+ scratch projects when they were a kid enjoys real coding haha.. well anyways. I am struggling to understand what to write for future digital diary entries because Well I am generally just really picky about what I let people know about myself, which is probably something I should work on, but half the time I really don't see a reason to. I sincerely value having things that are distinctly Mine and when other people know me intimately I feel less like I belong to myself.. it's scary and hard to understand for most people I try explaining it to. but part of me really deeply craves to be known and comforted still. but again, I'm terribly picky and I refuse to open myself up unless I feel very safe in doing so. because many many times have I attempted to open up and it ended feeling more like being disgustingly flayed... but I suppose I am opening up right now. Please treat me kindly dear reader...
I am debating posting some of my poems here. I really enjoy writing, I'm extremely amatuer at it, but having fun. although everything I write is like.. insanely personal. it's another battle of wanting to share my art and have it be understood, related to, loved, yet not wanting to be known. ideally some strangers would read them and say yes, I relate to this, I understand you, thank you for putting your work into the world but that is quite idealistic. However Everything worthwhile requires a degree of embarrassment! I guess I just want to show people myself but I only ever want it to work out perfectly.. I am kind of sick of trying to open up only to be met with awkwardness and no empathy, no relation of experience. I want to be understood! related to! :( it's lonely. I am constantly seeking out qualities or experiences within my friends that align with me... and well I don't really want to show my poems to people who I know won't personally empathize with the subject matter. OOOOkkay can I just stop being picky and be normal .. lol ok. I am such a rambler.. Goodbye dear reader :) Check back again soon ... xoxo